Are we the “Wyoming” of gay and lesbian Jewish life? Our Growing TRT Family
2014-10-02
Id: rdw34
Id: rdw34
So, how many gay/lesbian families do we have in the TRT family?
More than a decade ago, TRT made changes to welcome gays and lesbians into our congregation. We removed the labels of “husband” and “wife,” replacing them with “member.” We changed our temple Constitution to redefine a married couple as those married “in a civil or religious ceremony,” since no option for state-recognized marriage was available to same-sex couples at the time. We were ahead of the game, and I am proud of that.
So, how many gay/lesbian families do we have in the TRT family?
None.
When people ask me why we don’t have any G/L families or “out” individuals in our temple community, I answer their question with a question: Why aren’t there any Jews in Wyoming?
The answer, of course, is, because there aren’t any Jews in Wyoming.
Think about it. When you moved to this area, what questions did you ask? If you have young children, you probably asked about the schools. You asked about commuting, or shopping, or recreation. And you probably asked if it was a “Jewish neighborhood.” You weren’t looking for Lakewood, but you wanted to know that you wouldn’t be the only Jew in the area. In other words, you wanted to know if there were people like you.
I’ve spoken with some of the people who came to Manalapan and Marlboro in the late 1960s and early 1970s. They were pioneers of sorts, but they didn’t come alone. Groups of friends – young families – moved en masse to the area, bringing their social circles with them. Yes, they met some resistance from “the locals” – I got here in 1984 and some of the anti-Jewish sentiment still remained – but they were able to deal with it because they brought their friends, their traditions and their values with them. Still, ask some of the children of that “first wave” what it was like to be Jewish in the public schools; it wasn’t always easy.
Imagine, then, being a same-sex family looking for a place to raise Jewish children today. Would you consider any of the towns in Western Monmouth to be gay-friendly? I don’t mean the attitudes of individuals in those towns because no prospective resident can do a door-to-door survey to find out if people would welcome them or not. But if you drove around town, or went to the store or to the mall, would you feel… comfortable? Would you feel you belonged? Would you feel that there were people like you here?
Would you feel comfortable at TRT? Or at any other congregation in our area? Or are we the “Wyoming” of gay and lesbian Jewish life?
What we need are some pioneers: same-sex individuals and families with the chutzpah to move in, to establish themselves and make it easier for others to follow. That’s what we need, but I don’t think it is anyone’s fault if they don’t choose to do that. I imagine it is very difficult to be the first gay family in a community; I know how hard it is to be the first in a temple, because we had one lesbian family in our membership for several years. They tried – they really tried – but eventually they decided that it wasn’t fair to their children to ask them to explain, again and again, how they had two mommies and no daddy. And they also confessed that it just wasn’t… comfortable. They said they came once for Anniversary Blessings, but as five heterosexual couples walked up to the bima they both decided that they would rather remain at their seats and very discreetly touch fingers while the others celebrated in public. They weren’t cowards, and they weren’t ashamed; they just felt they did not belong.
I wish it were different. I wish people of every sexual orientation would feel welcome at Rodeph Torah, and would feel they could express their love as heterosexual couples do: with hugs and kisses and yes, holding hands. But if I was in their position I don’t think I would choose to raise my family at TRT or in Western Monmouth in general; I’m not a coward, but it would not be my choice to live where there was no one like me. That’s why my address says, “NJ,” not “WY.”
But I still hope that somewhere there is a group of young gays or lesbians who have had enough of city life and who will decide to move together to Western Monmouth. And if among them are five or six Jewish couples, I hope they have the chutzpah to come to a service at TRT and hold hands. If they do, and if we live up to the ideals we put forward years ago, we might change the face of our congregation for the better.
More than a decade ago, TRT made changes to welcome gays and lesbians into our congregation. We removed the labels of “husband” and “wife,” replacing them with “member.” We changed our temple Constitution to redefine a married couple as those married “in a civil or religious ceremony,” since no option for state-recognized marriage was available to same-sex couples at the time. We were ahead of the game, and I am proud of that.
So, how many gay/lesbian families do we have in the TRT family?
None.
When people ask me why we don’t have any G/L families or “out” individuals in our temple community, I answer their question with a question: Why aren’t there any Jews in Wyoming?
The answer, of course, is, because there aren’t any Jews in Wyoming.
Think about it. When you moved to this area, what questions did you ask? If you have young children, you probably asked about the schools. You asked about commuting, or shopping, or recreation. And you probably asked if it was a “Jewish neighborhood.” You weren’t looking for Lakewood, but you wanted to know that you wouldn’t be the only Jew in the area. In other words, you wanted to know if there were people like you.
I’ve spoken with some of the people who came to Manalapan and Marlboro in the late 1960s and early 1970s. They were pioneers of sorts, but they didn’t come alone. Groups of friends – young families – moved en masse to the area, bringing their social circles with them. Yes, they met some resistance from “the locals” – I got here in 1984 and some of the anti-Jewish sentiment still remained – but they were able to deal with it because they brought their friends, their traditions and their values with them. Still, ask some of the children of that “first wave” what it was like to be Jewish in the public schools; it wasn’t always easy.
Imagine, then, being a same-sex family looking for a place to raise Jewish children today. Would you consider any of the towns in Western Monmouth to be gay-friendly? I don’t mean the attitudes of individuals in those towns because no prospective resident can do a door-to-door survey to find out if people would welcome them or not. But if you drove around town, or went to the store or to the mall, would you feel… comfortable? Would you feel you belonged? Would you feel that there were people like you here?
Would you feel comfortable at TRT? Or at any other congregation in our area? Or are we the “Wyoming” of gay and lesbian Jewish life?
What we need are some pioneers: same-sex individuals and families with the chutzpah to move in, to establish themselves and make it easier for others to follow. That’s what we need, but I don’t think it is anyone’s fault if they don’t choose to do that. I imagine it is very difficult to be the first gay family in a community; I know how hard it is to be the first in a temple, because we had one lesbian family in our membership for several years. They tried – they really tried – but eventually they decided that it wasn’t fair to their children to ask them to explain, again and again, how they had two mommies and no daddy. And they also confessed that it just wasn’t… comfortable. They said they came once for Anniversary Blessings, but as five heterosexual couples walked up to the bima they both decided that they would rather remain at their seats and very discreetly touch fingers while the others celebrated in public. They weren’t cowards, and they weren’t ashamed; they just felt they did not belong.
I wish it were different. I wish people of every sexual orientation would feel welcome at Rodeph Torah, and would feel they could express their love as heterosexual couples do: with hugs and kisses and yes, holding hands. But if I was in their position I don’t think I would choose to raise my family at TRT or in Western Monmouth in general; I’m not a coward, but it would not be my choice to live where there was no one like me. That’s why my address says, “NJ,” not “WY.”
But I still hope that somewhere there is a group of young gays or lesbians who have had enough of city life and who will decide to move together to Western Monmouth. And if among them are five or six Jewish couples, I hope they have the chutzpah to come to a service at TRT and hold hands. If they do, and if we live up to the ideals we put forward years ago, we might change the face of our congregation for the better.